Mark's Cosy Corner

As a Christian, my worldview on relationships has been shaped by biblical teachings. It is my belief that relationships were created to be perfect, as exemplified by the perfect relationship that God shared with man in the Garden of Eden. However, after the Fall of Man, an account of which was presented in Genesis Chapter 3, the relationship between God and man was broken. As a result, relationships among mankind now mirror the severed divine connection and are consequently flawed.

It is my view that one’s perceptions on relationships stem from one’s childhood view of these associations. For instance, people growing up in complete and loving families tend to have a more healthy perspective on what a good relationship should be. These individuals would then be more inclined to perceive that healthy relationships are the norm. Conversely, people growing up in dysfunctional families develop a distorted view on relationships, no thanks to the erroneous methods of intra-family relations, which are learnt from the parents by the children, and then perceived by the latter to be the modus operandi for societal relationships.

In any familial relationship, modelling is an important aspect which shapes the child’s conception of what a relationship should be. This is seen in healthy families, where the children tend to imitate their parents in the way they lead their own families in the future. For dysfunctional family situations where children do not have ideal role models to look up to, children could persist in imitating their parents, thereby perpetuating yet another dysfunctional family. Alternatively, the children could choose to model after another family which in their opinion appeared to be more wholesome. In this instance, they would learn characteristics of the healthy family, which would then be replicated when they eventually build a family of their own. My own life illustrates the second alternative, especially since I grew up in a divorced family. I remember having a particularly high regard for my good friend’s father, hearing from him how his father had since young taken him for breakfast every morning before sending him to school. I told myself then that I would one day want to be such a father to my children.

Finance

            I adhere strongly to the view that financial management is one of the most important aspects of life. This is based on the biblical principle that all that we own – our finances included – do not belong to us, but to God. We have been commanded by God to be a good steward of all that we have – as all of these ultimately belong not to us, but to God.

In order to become an astute steward of one’s finances, it has been my belief that there is a need to manage one’s finances at the onset of working life. I learnt this habit from two of my friends, whom I had observed were keeping tabs on every dollar that they spent. I decided that I would keep such a record from the moment I started work. I have since developed a financial record which accounts for my personal expenditure as spelt out under set categories which I update daily.

            One of my principles of financial management stems from the concept of delayed gratification – that savings is an essential way to prepare me for the future. In that regard, I am careful not to spend on unnecessary expenses and have attempted to minimise spending in order that I could use my hard-earned money in the future. I do not, however, lead an austere life, and will make the occasional purchase should I desire to reward myself for a job well done, or to encourage myself during a trying moment. I believe that money should be spent if only to acquire pleasures in life that would contribute towards my enjoyment of life. I also feel that while the love of money is the root of all kinds of evil, money in itself is not evil, and when spent in a meaningful way, could contribute towards individuals deriving meaning in life.

            Given my view that money is not everything, and that prudent financial management could result in the achievement of financial freedom, I have chosen to invest my finances in areas which could generate high returns. This is premised on the notion that younger people do not have as many responsibilities, and can therefore afford to take slightly higher risks in terms of how they invest their money. I have therefore taken that approach in my financial management, while at the same time diversifying my assets, and also being careful to set aside finances for emergency purposes. To that end, I am hopeful that I would on one hand be able to manage my finances effectively, thereby coming up with a coherent retirement plan, while on the other hand utilise my resources to derive meaning in life.

Divorce

            The rising number of divorce cases in the United States and also in Singapore has made me feel that many marriages today do not stand the test of time. A common conversation topic among some of the older members in my family has been the notion that in the past, children did not have the freedom to choose their spouses. The divorce rate then was however surprisingly lower than today, despite children having the freedom to choose whom they love and marry. One point that could explain this trend was that couples in the past did not consider divorce as a viable option as this was socially unacceptable, in comparison to the concept of divorce today as a legal and even preferable way to end a bad marriage. Another possible explanation is that couples today do not think clearly before they get married, as illustrated by the numerous Hollywood couplings and divorces.

My worldview on divorce has largely been shaped by my own parents’ divorce. They separated when I was 3-years-old, and so the impact was especially strong. Although the final divorce took place more than ten years later, the fact that my parents lived apart definitely had a strong bearing on my childhood. For instance, one recurring memory I have was of my paternal grandparents hiding from me in their house so that I would not be able to find them, and subsequently be more agreeable to let my mother take me home. This was especially since my paternal grandparents spoilt me with many material pleasures and I hesitated going home as I felt that my maternal grandparents did not love me as much as my paternal grandparents did. It was also compounded by my maternal grandparents’ scolding. Naturally a child’s perception of love corresponds with the amount of material pleasures which he or she receives; and I was no likewise.

In recent years, there has been a body of statistics that has premised that children from divorced backgrounds tend to end up divorced themselves. Coupled with my own family history of divorce, I have developed a personal determination not to be a statistic myself. To this end I believe strongly in the importance of pre-marital counselling to help couples cope with marital issues even before they get married. I am of the view that couples should date with the end point of marriage in their minds. This is as marriage culminates in the collision of two disparate individuals, who come together in one body and in one spirit. As such, it is important for individuals to continually communicate at all times – both before and during their marriage – to increase their physical and emotional intimacy. Such a move would result in a stronger marriage, which would in turn reduce the likelihood that the couple would divorce.

Suicide

My instant reaction is one of sadness whenever I hear of a suicide; especially among those who are very young. Recent suicide stories of youths ending their lives have peppered the front pages of the local media. One story told of a young man who committed suicide because he felt that he was not adequately endowed and that his sexual organs were too small. Another account was shared of a primary school student who chose to end her life because she was too stressed by the upcoming examinations. Yet another report told the story of a youth who excused himself to use the restroom, but instead took the MRT train to another location, and ended his life after jumping from the top of a block of HDB apartments.

These stories depict a sad state of affairs among the youths in Singapore. While there are accounts of elderly people who choose to end their lives because they feel that life is meaningless and that their children do not care for them, suicide instances among the young are largely due to their lack of self esteem, and in a number of cases, a highly stressed life.

My view on suicide has largely been shaped by the Christian belief that all life is a gift from God and that we are created in His image. Hence, to end a life that has been given to us is in my opinion morally wrong. Moreover, people who commit suicide tend to think only of themselves and neglect to consider the feelings of those around them. Therefore, suicide letters found after their departure often tell about their feelings that life is empty, or that there are strong causes for their suicide acts. These letters however completely neglect to consider how their deaths would affect those of their loved ones. Indeed many immediate family members are unable to cope with the grief of the suicide and a number of them also follow suit to take their lives. Even worse are the actions of the individuals who murder their family members before choosing to kill themselves. These acts, while masquerading as feats of love for their family members, are actually selfish actions which only consider the desires of the individual.

Violence

            The act of violence is often manifested in individuals who either have been bullied in their childhood, or on the other hand, have been repressed by dominant families. This can be illustrated through the positive reinforcement that bullies receive when they get their own way all the time. It can also be seen in repressed individuals, who choose the path of violence as a coping mechanism to manage the years of repressed anger and hurt received at the hands of controlling parents. Both extremities of childhood conditioning shape an individual who possesses a belief that by using violence, he or she would be able to resolve all the problems at hand.

Family violence stories are a common feature in many media articles. A common thread would be that a young and vulnerable woman chooses to marry someone whom she feels is strong and would be able to take care of her. Unfortunately, due to deficits in the woman’s perceptions of strength and vulnerability issues, the person she chooses tends to be one who has a dominant streak. Marital tensions, coupled with negative influences on the husband, such as gambling, drinking or substance abuse, could then push the man to verbally, emotionally and physically abuse his wife. Oftentimes the wife would make a decision to leave her husband, but would then relent when he soothes her with nice words and promises not to abuse her again. However, these promises are forgotten the next time the husband returns to his gambling ways or to the nearest pub.

Often unsaid are the deep hurts that linger long after the acts of violence are committed. These hurts could be manifested in the wife, long after she finally chooses to divorce her husband, or more insidiously in the lives of the children, who grow up to either become abusers themselves, or conversely become passive individuals, incapable of understanding what love is all about. There are, however, a minority who rise above their history of hurts to become champions of the under-privileged, and who choose to themselves end the violence in the world by taking up the banner for the millions of people on this earth who are unable to raise their own concerns to the global community.

Family Structure

            A stable family structure is the key towards a well-developed individual. It is my view that children who grow up within the context of a functional family structure receive the necessary conditions which predispose them towards becoming well-adjusted adults. This could likely be due to the influence of supportive and nurturing parents, who build a protective safety net by providing stability to the family, offering an environment for their children to develop to their fullest potential without being distracted by destabilising forces. Such forces, which could be caused by a broken family, absentee parents or obsessive parents, often exert unhealthy influences on the child, causing him or her to develop in a dysfunctional manner.

            The importance of stability and stable family structures in the development of a child cannot be over-emphasised. This is as children need to cultivate a healthy self image and self esteem during their early years. In the absence of a stable family environment for the child to experiment and develop, life skills such as how to interact socially and how to manage emotions are not learnt effectively. This results in individuals who eventually become maladjusted to adult society.

            Inasmuch as most children require the presence of a stable family structure from which to develop to their fullest potential, there are also children who manage to do so without a semblance of family stability. In such situations, close friends or adult mentors provide the physical and emotional support which these children need, and take over the roles initially designed for parents. Such a surrogate family structure has become more commonplace in today’s society, with rising divorce rates as well as an increase in the instances of absentee parenthood. It is no wonder then that a breakdown in the family has led to higher divorced rates as well as in an increase in the number of dysfunctional individuals, people who are in need of mental and emotional help.