Christmas morning has always been a time when I wake up and allow the night's euphoria to settle down; a time when I take a second look at my presents and remember the people who gave them to me; a time when I reflect on the things that hold meaning and the people I love.

Christmas Eve 2007 was special. In the midst of a busy wedding preparation and house renovation schedule, Sue and I were still able to spend time with the people close to us. For me, the Christmas Eve lunch with my cousins was precious in that it was a rare gathering for us - only the second time in thirty years that we have gathered together as cousins with no reason other than to spend time with each other. Sue and I have been together for almost two years, and I've been blessed to see how close her family is. It's since been my desire to also see my family grow closer. Really hope to start a tradition of gathering the cousins on Christmas Eve - and more than that - to see us walk through the journey of life together...

In the evening we headed over to Sue's grandma's place to enjoy the family Christmas dinner. What was meaningful was the time spent together. Family members shared that when Sue's grandma passed away more than a year ago, there were some fears that the family would not meet as often and be as close as they have always been. They gave thanks that this did not happen. Instead, the Christmas dinner was also a time to remember Sue's grandma and the full life that she led. All was made more meaningful when we headed over to the house of a close friend of the grandmother - to share with her the Christmas love and join our voices in song.

It's different when we choose to remember the meaning of Christmas from the perspective of someone whose life had been changed by the first Christmas - when God first came to earth in the form of man. That's why we commemorate this season through the sharing of love - the love that was first given to us. I'm postulating that one of the reasons why God gave us families was for us to experience to a small extent the intimacy and love that He shared within His own "family" - the Father, Son and Holy Spirit.

Over the past few mornings I have been awakened by what I have termed as the "Seven Dwarves Symphony" - a chorus of shouts accompanied by the loud pounding noises one hears when large items are thrown on the ground in rapid succession....

Yes. Upgrading has come to my block. And my turn will be next week. In the meantime, I am being treated to a foretaste of what is to come - from the housing contractors who seem to enjoy throwing the upgrading fittings onto the concrete floor just outside my room, resulting in the series of noises which have roused me to my senses each morning.

In the midst of all the upcoming renovations, Sue and I have surprised ourselves by buying a new HDB flat. It was just two weeks ago that we decided to wait until a more appropriate time. However, just days after that decision was made, God provided us with a beautiful apartment unit, and we made the move to quickly secure the place.

Our new dwelling place is ideal for the following reasons:

1) It is a 5-room flat, and the apartment will be more suitable for us in the future when we finally have children of our own. It also has a large living room space which we hope to function as an area for future ministry use.

2) The apartment is located conveniently in Clementi, in-between both our work places, and is situated next to a scenic canal. It is also located next to a running track, a children's playground, and other recreational facilities.

3) The apartment was reasonably-priced and is in an almost move-in condition. Most of the fittings are still in a reasonable condition and we foresee not having to carry out major renovation work.

4) All our parents and close friends like the apartment.

In Singapore today, buying a home is one of the most significant challenges faced by most newly-married couples. Sue and I truly feel that we've been blessed immeasurable by God in this aspect - that the whole process has been almost obstacle-free for us. Indeed this purchase has been a future-oriented one, and we can imagine ourselves bringing up our children in the new place; taking them for long walks along the canal, and teaching them how to cycle, rollerblade etc...

We can also imagine our new home being used for ministry purposes; just as my current home was used to host my weekly cell group. It is our desire that the new apartment will be consecrated for God's use in whatever way that He desires to use it. He has blessed us with so much, and it is only appropriate that all that we have be used for His glory. It is hoped that this will be a metaphor for our lives as well - that the both of us, together with our future family, will be completely consecrated for His use according to His perfect will :)

I can understand now why couples are so busy preparing for their marriage. For starters there's the wedding preparations - drawing up the guest list, booking the church and dinner locations, choosing a bridal studio and going for the photoshoot, finalising the helper list, meeting the wedding coordinators, drawing up the actual day wedding schedule, deciding on the folral decorations, the list goes on...

Besides that, many couples are also tied down with the other physical preparations - such as deciding where to live after the wedding; and if they decide to live on their own, they would then need to buy an apartment and renovate the new home. 

I'm thankful that for us, this process has been simplified somewhat. We're indeed very blessed that there's no need to look for a new home, as I'm already living in an apartment which I call my own. What's however important is that when Sue moves in, for the place to be "ours" and not only "mine". Hence the need for renovations so that the apartment can be shaped by both our personalities. And since my flat will conveniently also go through upgrading, it makes sense to take advantage of the situation and concurrently renovate the apartment.

We've therefore been spending much of our time together seeking out items for our place. A very enjoyable experience overall as both of us enjoy beautiful things and it's been quite fun choosing lovely things that we both know we'll enjoy - like the delicate Thai silk which we bought during our recent trip to Bangkok (featured in the photo above and which will be used to make curtains), the lovely maroon-coloured bed linen at 70% off (thanks to the Great Singapore Sale), and our latest acquistion - a comfy King Coil mattress and bed frame set... 

We know there're many more things that we'll need to purchase together - like a new dining room set, toilet sinks, a desk for the study room etc; but so far we're happy with all our purchases. I think the main reason why this is so is because we've both learnt to consider what each other likes - and to accommodate each other every time we make a decision. In many ways this is representative of the marriage life, during which we know we'll have to make many decisions together. It's not merely the humourous view of marriage that depicts the husband as the head of the house and the wife as the neck that turns him around; rather it's more that both husband and wife share joint responsibility of the household and that all decisions are made in mutual agreement. It's truly a high calling for the husband to be the head of the household, and this is a position that is only tenable if he is under the authority of God.

Truly marriage preparation means more than just preparing for the wedding - it's preparing for a whole life to be lived together under the authority of God.

 

Today we've finally confirmed the major arrangements for our wedding on the 29th December this year. After weeks of persistent phone calls by Sue and her mum, we finally found a place suitable for the occasion, and decided on the lunch reception venue for the wedding - at a cosy restaurant situated at the foot of Mt Faber...

By confirming the lunch reception venue, we're now able to confirm the church - Grace Assembly of God at Tanglin - which is a really warm church that both Sue and I love. And since the family dinner venue had already been decided upon earlier, it seems we're now set and ready to go :)

It's truly been quite a busy time for us both. Within the span of one week we've bought my suit and the wedding bands. We're also taking time to prepare for the photoshoot which will take place a little more than a week away.

Today I also took time to finally draw up the list of wedding helpers - and have realised that there are so many people who will be involved in the wedding - can say I'm overwhelmed by the love that these dear friends and family members have for us - in offering to help us in so many ways; from our cousins who will be the key members of the worship team, to our dear CG members who will help out with the reception, and of course the youths who will be a great blessing in serving as ushers. I can only say that God has been with us every step of the journey - especially by bringing to us so many people to minister to us in their service at the wedding.

The road is long, and we've been learning at our marriage preparation class that the wedding should not be the only thing we focus on as we come together as one. What's more important is to look towards our marriage, which will be the start of a new family that I will build together with Sue - to cleave from our parents, and to hold fast to each other, creating a new family which is founded on God as its bedrock. A cord of three strands is not easily divided - and the marriage has to encompass our love for God above our love for each other.

21st January 2007. The day I begin my third decade of existence. A number of people have asked me how I feel now that I'm 30 years-old. I really don't know and can't say - afterall I've only been 30 for less than an hour :) What I can say is that I'm thankful to God for every day of my life. It's really been a wonderful journey so far... and I know that as long as I continue to walk closely to Him, that I'll enjoy this path that He has directed me towards...

I have so much to give thanks to God for this year - the first thing on my mind is definitely the wonderful girl whom God has provided for me as my fiancee, my dearest Sue. These eight months together have been eight of the most enjoyable months in my life. Yes, of course our relationship has had its ups and downs, but I'm most thankful to God for providing someone who understands me and loves me for who I am - and that in loving me, she always seeks my interests above hers. I know I try to do the same for her - not always easy, but what I'm certain is that when we choose to consider each other above ourselves, that's when we build a relationship that lasts. More so when ultimately we consider God above ourselves...

I'm also thankful for my family. Although things have not always been a bed of roses, but I know that when push comes to shove, they'll be there for me. It's a very unusual relationship I have with the different sets of family members, but am very thankful that all of these relationships are built on love - the love that we have for each other.

Youth ministry. I know this is my calling in life - can almost see myself here even when I turn 50, but I know that when God directs you towards your calling, it doesn't matter how, what or where, but that you'll always be filled with an inner joy that can only come from Him.

My job - can almost say that there's no other place I rather be... I'm not sure what the future holds, but I know that I'm meant to be here this season - that's all that matters :)

Thank you God for everything :)

Relationships

As a Christian, my worldview on relationships has been shaped by biblical teachings. It is my belief that relationships were created to be perfect, as exemplified by the perfect relationship that God shared with man in the Garden of Eden. However, after the Fall of Man, an account of which was presented in Genesis Chapter 3, the relationship between God and man was broken. As a result, relationships among mankind now mirror the severed divine connection and are consequently flawed.

It is my view that one’s perceptions on relationships stem from one’s childhood view of these associations. For instance, people growing up in complete and loving families tend to have a more healthy perspective on what a good relationship should be. These individuals would then be more inclined to perceive that healthy relationships are the norm. Conversely, people growing up in dysfunctional families develop a distorted view on relationships, no thanks to the erroneous methods of intra-family relations, which are learnt from the parents by the children, and then perceived by the latter to be the modus operandi for societal relationships.

In any familial relationship, modelling is an important aspect which shapes the child’s conception of what a relationship should be. This is seen in healthy families, where the children tend to imitate their parents in the way they lead their own families in the future. For dysfunctional family situations where children do not have ideal role models to look up to, children could persist in imitating their parents, thereby perpetuating yet another dysfunctional family. Alternatively, the children could choose to model after another family which in their opinion appeared to be more wholesome. In this instance, they would learn characteristics of the healthy family, which would then be replicated when they eventually build a family of their own. My own life illustrates the second alternative, especially since I grew up in a divorced family. I remember having a particularly high regard for my good friend’s father, hearing from him how his father had since young taken him for breakfast every morning before sending him to school. I told myself then that I would one day want to be such a father to my children.

Finance

            I adhere strongly to the view that financial management is one of the most important aspects of life. This is based on the biblical principle that all that we own – our finances included – do not belong to us, but to God. We have been commanded by God to be a good steward of all that we have – as all of these ultimately belong not to us, but to God.

In order to become an astute steward of one’s finances, it has been my belief that there is a need to manage one’s finances at the onset of working life. I learnt this habit from two of my friends, whom I had observed were keeping tabs on every dollar that they spent. I decided that I would keep such a record from the moment I started work. I have since developed a financial record which accounts for my personal expenditure as spelt out under set categories which I update daily.

            One of my principles of financial management stems from the concept of delayed gratification – that savings is an essential way to prepare me for the future. In that regard, I am careful not to spend on unnecessary expenses and have attempted to minimise spending in order that I could use my hard-earned money in the future. I do not, however, lead an austere life, and will make the occasional purchase should I desire to reward myself for a job well done, or to encourage myself during a trying moment. I believe that money should be spent if only to acquire pleasures in life that would contribute towards my enjoyment of life. I also feel that while the love of money is the root of all kinds of evil, money in itself is not evil, and when spent in a meaningful way, could contribute towards individuals deriving meaning in life.

            Given my view that money is not everything, and that prudent financial management could result in the achievement of financial freedom, I have chosen to invest my finances in areas which could generate high returns. This is premised on the notion that younger people do not have as many responsibilities, and can therefore afford to take slightly higher risks in terms of how they invest their money. I have therefore taken that approach in my financial management, while at the same time diversifying my assets, and also being careful to set aside finances for emergency purposes. To that end, I am hopeful that I would on one hand be able to manage my finances effectively, thereby coming up with a coherent retirement plan, while on the other hand utilise my resources to derive meaning in life.

Divorce

            The rising number of divorce cases in the United States and also in Singapore has made me feel that many marriages today do not stand the test of time. A common conversation topic among some of the older members in my family has been the notion that in the past, children did not have the freedom to choose their spouses. The divorce rate then was however surprisingly lower than today, despite children having the freedom to choose whom they love and marry. One point that could explain this trend was that couples in the past did not consider divorce as a viable option as this was socially unacceptable, in comparison to the concept of divorce today as a legal and even preferable way to end a bad marriage. Another possible explanation is that couples today do not think clearly before they get married, as illustrated by the numerous Hollywood couplings and divorces.

My worldview on divorce has largely been shaped by my own parents’ divorce. They separated when I was 3-years-old, and so the impact was especially strong. Although the final divorce took place more than ten years later, the fact that my parents lived apart definitely had a strong bearing on my childhood. For instance, one recurring memory I have was of my paternal grandparents hiding from me in their house so that I would not be able to find them, and subsequently be more agreeable to let my mother take me home. This was especially since my paternal grandparents spoilt me with many material pleasures and I hesitated going home as I felt that my maternal grandparents did not love me as much as my paternal grandparents did. It was also compounded by my maternal grandparents’ scolding. Naturally a child’s perception of love corresponds with the amount of material pleasures which he or she receives; and I was no likewise.

In recent years, there has been a body of statistics that has premised that children from divorced backgrounds tend to end up divorced themselves. Coupled with my own family history of divorce, I have developed a personal determination not to be a statistic myself. To this end I believe strongly in the importance of pre-marital counselling to help couples cope with marital issues even before they get married. I am of the view that couples should date with the end point of marriage in their minds. This is as marriage culminates in the collision of two disparate individuals, who come together in one body and in one spirit. As such, it is important for individuals to continually communicate at all times – both before and during their marriage – to increase their physical and emotional intimacy. Such a move would result in a stronger marriage, which would in turn reduce the likelihood that the couple would divorce.

Suicide

My instant reaction is one of sadness whenever I hear of a suicide; especially among those who are very young. Recent suicide stories of youths ending their lives have peppered the front pages of the local media. One story told of a young man who committed suicide because he felt that he was not adequately endowed and that his sexual organs were too small. Another account was shared of a primary school student who chose to end her life because she was too stressed by the upcoming examinations. Yet another report told the story of a youth who excused himself to use the restroom, but instead took the MRT train to another location, and ended his life after jumping from the top of a block of HDB apartments.

These stories depict a sad state of affairs among the youths in Singapore. While there are accounts of elderly people who choose to end their lives because they feel that life is meaningless and that their children do not care for them, suicide instances among the young are largely due to their lack of self esteem, and in a number of cases, a highly stressed life.

My view on suicide has largely been shaped by the Christian belief that all life is a gift from God and that we are created in His image. Hence, to end a life that has been given to us is in my opinion morally wrong. Moreover, people who commit suicide tend to think only of themselves and neglect to consider the feelings of those around them. Therefore, suicide letters found after their departure often tell about their feelings that life is empty, or that there are strong causes for their suicide acts. These letters however completely neglect to consider how their deaths would affect those of their loved ones. Indeed many immediate family members are unable to cope with the grief of the suicide and a number of them also follow suit to take their lives. Even worse are the actions of the individuals who murder their family members before choosing to kill themselves. These acts, while masquerading as feats of love for their family members, are actually selfish actions which only consider the desires of the individual.

Violence

            The act of violence is often manifested in individuals who either have been bullied in their childhood, or on the other hand, have been repressed by dominant families. This can be illustrated through the positive reinforcement that bullies receive when they get their own way all the time. It can also be seen in repressed individuals, who choose the path of violence as a coping mechanism to manage the years of repressed anger and hurt received at the hands of controlling parents. Both extremities of childhood conditioning shape an individual who possesses a belief that by using violence, he or she would be able to resolve all the problems at hand.

Family violence stories are a common feature in many media articles. A common thread would be that a young and vulnerable woman chooses to marry someone whom she feels is strong and would be able to take care of her. Unfortunately, due to deficits in the woman’s perceptions of strength and vulnerability issues, the person she chooses tends to be one who has a dominant streak. Marital tensions, coupled with negative influences on the husband, such as gambling, drinking or substance abuse, could then push the man to verbally, emotionally and physically abuse his wife. Oftentimes the wife would make a decision to leave her husband, but would then relent when he soothes her with nice words and promises not to abuse her again. However, these promises are forgotten the next time the husband returns to his gambling ways or to the nearest pub.

Often unsaid are the deep hurts that linger long after the acts of violence are committed. These hurts could be manifested in the wife, long after she finally chooses to divorce her husband, or more insidiously in the lives of the children, who grow up to either become abusers themselves, or conversely become passive individuals, incapable of understanding what love is all about. There are, however, a minority who rise above their history of hurts to become champions of the under-privileged, and who choose to themselves end the violence in the world by taking up the banner for the millions of people on this earth who are unable to raise their own concerns to the global community.

Family Structure

            A stable family structure is the key towards a well-developed individual. It is my view that children who grow up within the context of a functional family structure receive the necessary conditions which predispose them towards becoming well-adjusted adults. This could likely be due to the influence of supportive and nurturing parents, who build a protective safety net by providing stability to the family, offering an environment for their children to develop to their fullest potential without being distracted by destabilising forces. Such forces, which could be caused by a broken family, absentee parents or obsessive parents, often exert unhealthy influences on the child, causing him or her to develop in a dysfunctional manner.

            The importance of stability and stable family structures in the development of a child cannot be over-emphasised. This is as children need to cultivate a healthy self image and self esteem during their early years. In the absence of a stable family environment for the child to experiment and develop, life skills such as how to interact socially and how to manage emotions are not learnt effectively. This results in individuals who eventually become maladjusted to adult society.

            Inasmuch as most children require the presence of a stable family structure from which to develop to their fullest potential, there are also children who manage to do so without a semblance of family stability. In such situations, close friends or adult mentors provide the physical and emotional support which these children need, and take over the roles initially designed for parents. Such a surrogate family structure has become more commonplace in today’s society, with rising divorce rates as well as an increase in the instances of absentee parenthood. It is no wonder then that a breakdown in the family has led to higher divorced rates as well as in an increase in the number of dysfunctional individuals, people who are in need of mental and emotional help.

No idea why these past couple of entries have been about the family - I guess I've been thinking alot about what are the things that really matter to me - part of an assignment for my counselling psychology class... Maybe that's why... Or maybe it happens to be the way my life has been...

I just came back from a simple family dinner. Mum, Amah & Ah Kong, Sue and me... Nothing out of the ordinary - just a meal together on a weekday night... Yes the food was good, and yes, food has always been important to me, but it was more the time that we spent together that mattered... Telling Ah Kong for the upteenth time that I've graduated and am working... Telling Amah that her Mee Siam is the best in the world... Telling Mum that I've grown up and can take care of myself...

I remember another family dinner almost a month back. It was the farewell meal for my dear half-sister Min who was to have flown off to the States the next day for her university studies. A dinner at Dad's house with fine wine and delicious food. Again, the food and wine were enjoyable, but they were not the most important... What meant more was the time we spent together - hearing Dad and Min play the guitar together under the stars, enjoying the evening meal with Sue by my side, and feeling along with my younger half-sister Lyn when she wept at not being able to send dearest Min off at the airport...

I've come to realise that the best things in life are found in those around you. Of course I hope for better pay, of course I hope to have a better home entertainment system, of course I hope to get a better computer system... But when it comes to the crux, these things don't mean anything to me at all. I can say without flinching an eyelid that I'm prepared to let go of all these things if God desires that of me. Not so my family.

No matter what, my family means most to me. They've shaped the person I've become - from my mannerisms and idiosyncrisies, to the things I enjoy in life. I know I've not always appreciated my family, especially in the early years during the separation and divorce period, and also during my self-absorbed teenage years; but I know now that I would be at a loss without my family. Truly I can say that God has blessed my life greatly - with a wonderful job serving the young people I've been called to serve, with a wonderful ministry in church again serving the dear youths God has led me to serve, but most of all with a dear family I deeply love.